Drowning in Sorrows
by adac50
Summary: Lapis is still uneasy after Navy's scheme, leading to unwanted introspection.


Lapis Lazuli stepped out of the barn and looked up to the sky. The sun was shining bright, warming her blue skin, and there was not a cloud in the sky. A light wind tousled her blue hair, her blue sundress gently flowing around her legs.

She was happy. The feeling was something that had been eluding her since she had unfused from Malachite. She had learned things about herself during that time that scared her. Disgusted her. She had gone along with Steven or Peridot's shenanigans to keep herself distracted from her troubles, but recent events had forced her to look at herself in a mirror.

Steven called her Navy, she was a Ruby sent by Homeworld to retrieve Jasper, and she had come to them claiming to want to live on Earth. Navy seemed to adapt to Earth like she had lived there forever, and that dug into Lapis like a knife. Lapis tried her hardest to get used to Earth, it was slow and she found little she enjoyed about the planet.

In truth, Navy was after the ship she and her fellow Rubies had used to come to Earth. Her shenanigans were just to indulge her satisfaction at their feelings of betrayal. Navy's twisted actions comforted Lapis, in a way. Navy didn't care about Earth, so maybe there wasn't something wrong with Lapis taking so long getting used to the planet.

She shook her head to break herself from her thoughts. She sprouted her watery wings from her gem on her back, getting ready to take flight when a shrill voice stopped her, "Hey Lapis where are you going? We were going to watch Camp Pining Hearts!"

The voice belonged to a short, green and triangle-haired gem. Her roommate, Peridot, was shouting from the second floor of the barn.

"I just wanted to look at the crops. It's been hot lately and I want to make sure they're getting enough water." Lapis yelled back, not quite as loudly as Peridot.

Peridot grumbled, "Fine, just don't take too long." Lapis gently flapped her wings and flew into the air, her blue form fading into the clear sky.

Lapis circled above the crops they had planted. She was right to have come up here, some of the plants were wilting. With a simple motion of her hand, water began gushing from hoses and gave the plants much needed hydration. Tending to the crops always relaxed her; it was terraforming, in a way. Perhaps not what the Diamond Authority had envisioned when she was made, but this was much more nuanced than carving a planet apart with torrents of water. Satisfied, she turned and headed back towards the barn.

She landed softly and let out a contented sigh. Whenever she was overwhelmed with her thoughts she would tend to the crops. There was something about the plants, just taking in nutrients and existing just to grow, she was almost jealous. Looking to the sky again, she saw fluffy clouds on the horizon, slowly drifting as the wind moved them closer.

Peridot was laying across the couch when Lapis arrived, sitting up when she entered the barn. "Finally! So we're starting on," she shuddered, "season five." Lapis gave her a confused look, "Why are we watching that if you think it's the worst season?"

"Let me enjoy my anger!" Peridot dramatically shouted. Lapis smiled at her friends antics, "Ok, turn it on then."

Lapis sat down in front of the couch; the plot of the episode was the campers preparing to go on a beach trip. The show had barely started and Peridot was already complaining, "Why are they going to a beach? It totally ruins the dynamic everyone has as campers." Lapis shrugged, "Was there really anything left for them to do at camp? I mean..."

Time passed as the two watched episode after episode.

Everything was becoming a blur and Lapis' attention was waning. Another episode about a beach contest, 'How much can you do on a beach? The last five were basically the same episode.' Lapis thought languidly. The TV sounded muddied as Lapis watched with glazed eyes, the barn creaking as wind buffeted it.

Pierre and Percy were having some sort of argument. "Pierre, we have to save Paulette before she sinks to the bottom of the ocean!" Pierre grimaced, "Fine, but I'm doing this for Paulette, Percy. Not for you."

The show droned on and Lapis stopped caring, letting her thoughts wander.

A beach was where she and Japser had fused to form Malachite. At the time, Jasper wanted to fuse to fight the rest of the Crystal Gems, but Lapis had other ideas. When they fused she dragged the two of them down to the bottom of the ocean to protect Steven. That's what she told herself anyway. At the time, she believed her lie. But those long months fused...she acknowledged the truth. She wanted someone to hurt, someone to know how she felt all those long millennia trapped in that mirror. She shuddered, thinking about what she did made her feel dirty, but at the same time gave her a sense of exhilaration.

Lapis jumped as thunder began rattling the barn as a storm broke. "I guess you didn't need to water the crops after all," Peridot said matter-of-factly.

Lapis frowned, "Someone had to check on the crops." her voice dropped to a whisper, "Nothing deserves to be forgotten about..."

The thoughts that nagged at her spoke up. 'But you forgot about Jasper. You turned away from what you did.' Lapis felt her body go cold, 'No, I didn't forget! I think about what I did every day.'

Mocking laughter sounded in her head, 'You pushed those thoughts out of your head. You only cared again when Steven told you she had been corrupted. Her obsession with fusion was because of you. She was corrupted because you broke her mind.'

'No! I...I didn't-she was the one who-'

Lapis was losing herself, she was a terrible gem, horrible, and awful and- "Lapis, hey Lapis!" Peridot was waving a hand in front of her face, bringing Lapis back to reality. "Huh, what?" She had forgotten Peridot was even there. "I said, do you want to watch the next episode?"

Right, they had been watching TV. "Uh, sure. Play the next one." Peridot hopped off the couch and began rummaging through the box of tapes. "So, what do you think about how they all had a party the night before they left the beach? I was so sure Pierre and Percy were going to finally become a unified pair, but Paulette got between them again."

Lapis had a feeling this was part of a longer conversation she had just joined. "Yeah, I was disappointed too." Peridot hung her head, "I know. This show would be so much better without her." Peridot stopped and looked at the tapes strewn about, "Huh, where did the next tape go?"

Lapis rose and walked towards a window, the sounds of Peridot's aggravation over the missing tape becoming less audible as she approached the window resting a hand on the windowsill. Rain pelted the window and she saw flashes of lighting in the clouds. This world was so odd, even now after almost a year. Her grip on the windowsill tightened, the grating noise of the storm fraying her already strained nerves.

If she wanted to, she could stop the rainfall, it would be simple to control that much water.

If she wanted to, she could cover the whole world in water, nothing left but the fish in the ocean.

Lapis shut her eyes tightly, why was she thinking like that? That would hurt so many people; she didn't want that, right?

'Maybe that would prove to everyone what kind of gem I am.' Lapis thought despondently.

"Ok, next episode coming up!" Peridot was proudly holding the next tape above her head. Lapis turned from the window and resume her position in front of the TV.

It didn't take long for the show to turn into a background drone to her thoughts. Every negative thought she had been bottling up was crashing over her like a wave. Self-loathing, perceived inadequacies, anger at her mistreatment, everything she disliked about herself was pooling before her.

Why should she be happy when nothing she did gave happiness back into the world? All she did was hurt people. She knew it. Everyone around her knew it too, they just were tolerating her presence. Lapis' face twisted into a scowl.

"Lapis? Are...you alright? You haven't said a thing for a while now." Peridot's face was plastered with concern.

"I'm fine," Lapis' voice trembled, despite her best efforts.

Peridot frowned, she may be new to this friend thing, but she knew when Lapis was troubled. "What's wrong?"

That was the final straw. Lapis' shoulders shook as tears began streaming down her face, "Why can't I let myself be happy, for once? Every time I have anything to be happy for, I find a way to ruin it."

Peridot was lost, it seemed Lapis was having a conversation without her. "What in the world are you talking about?" The image on the screen froze as the tape reached the end of its footage, the room went silent.

"I don't know what's wrong with me. Whenever I'm happy I torture myself with the things I've done to others, the terrible things I've done. Is this how it is? Am I not allowed to be happy because I'm a terrible gem?" Lapis looked over to Peridot, desperate for an answer.

Peridot hemmed and hawed as she tried to come up with something that could comfort Lapis. "You don't hurt people on purpose, it just happens." Lapis laughed bitterly, "So I'm incompetent and a danger to others then?"

Peridot couldn't keep the incredulity from her voice, "No!" she got up off the couch, taking on a calmer tone, "No, I'm saying you aren't malicious. You care about others, you're just," Peridot paused, "like me? You try to do what you think is best. Sometimes it hurts others, and that feels bad, but you keep doing what you think is right." Peridot was standing in front of her now. "If you hurt someone then you should apologize. That's all there is to it."

Lapis looked away, "You make it sound so simple. What if they don't accept an apology? I wouldn't know what to do..."

"Then we'll figure that out if it comes to that." Peridot extended a hand to Lapis, "You have friends to support you, so don't try to carry the weight of your problems by yourself." Lapis smiled and took Peridot's hand, taking her offer of support to stand up.

The sun peeked through the windows as the storm petered out.

Peridot beamed her a smile, "Now, let's turn that frown upside-down!" Peridot hopped into a handstand, "See you're better alrea-whoa!" Peridot lost her balance and fell off the second floor onto the ground below. A muffled "I'm Ok!" came from the first floor.

Lapis laughed, a genuine laugh, "Thanks, Peridot."

Peridot's voice was strained as she stood up, holding her head, "Yep, that's what friends are for."

Lapis felt light. She had friends who accepted her for herself, and right now, she couldn't be happier.


End file.
